Over the years and pregnancies, things have changed from the days of rushing to the hospital-barely making it in time to deliver, to opting for a scheduled, less painful delivery. Going back to the days of my first deliveries would have a lot of benefits because I know that medical interventions often cause further necesary interventions. However, about the time of my eighth delivery, I decided that the pain levels I experienced, (combined with my increasing age!) had made me decide that I couldn't do it the old way anymore, and that I needed to make some changes.
As I discussed these options with my doctor recently, he said, "Now that you've decided to change the way you deliver your babies, have you changed your idea about how many children you want to have?" That question caught me off guard, but it ended up sending me into a lot of deep thinking over the next few days.
As I thought about the question and tried to discern in my mind if I had indeed changed my mind about how many children I wanted to have, I came to the conclusion that I had not changed my mind about how many children that I want to have. However, I have made a big change in one way that I am thinking.
The one thing that has not changed is my commitment over twenty years ago that I would take all the children that God would choose to bless me with. This decision was made fully understanding the ignorance that most people would attach to it--after all, people that make that "commitment" always ended up with twenty bratty children, right?
The one big thing that has changed is how long, and how deeply I consider my decision to potentially get pregnant again. While it used to be made flippantly with a excitement for the months ahead, now it is made with a sense for what the next nine months could potentially cost me. I've endured enough months of severe nausea, aches and pains, and misunderstanding of people on all sides to know that making the decision to bring another child into the world means work. It means my life isn't necessarily going to be too pleasant at times, and it means that I am opening myself up to a lot of potential pain and problems that most sensible people would avoid.
However, as I thought about all this, it became clearer to me that, no, I haven't changed my commitment to give this area of my life to God--it has just become a deeper, and a more mature commitment. It has become a commitment that costs me more than it used to. It is a commitment that only God knows the value of because only He knows the cost that it means to me.
As I realized this, I realized that this is exactly why people do not understand me and the way I think. They don't know the cost, but neither do they know the JOY! I have come to understand that God never looks lightly on our costly gifts to Him. He never under rates the sacrifices that we offer to Him on a daily basis, and He returns the same to us in JOY. If we offer cheap gifts to Him--gifts which cost us nothing, He knows that. If we offer the commitment of all our lives to Him and what we offer is costly to us, He knows that. As I offer to God my daily living sacrifice, He returns to me joy that is far deeper than the difficulties that I face.
This doesn't mean that I expect a life free of difficulties. It doesn't mean I
shouldn't expect to welcome unwanted diseases, a special needs child, a painful miscarriage, or an untimely death. What it does mean is that in the middle of it all, God is giving joy. Life brings difficulties whether we are experiencing God's joy or not. To sum up the question that I was asked then, I would say, "No, I haven't changed my mind. The only difference is that now I'm experiencing joy" and I wouldn't trade it for any other option in the world!
1 comment:
Dear Carrie, Thank you so much for this post. I feel I really can relate to what you just said.
May the Lord richly bless you and your family. Giving you health and wisdom.
Thanks for being an encouragement.
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